comments from others
Posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21: Previous Next
Hi all. As people with long hair we are constantly having to deal with friends and family members making comments and jokes, some of them of which can be very rude. My question is how can I communicate to these people who suggest I get a haircut or shave my head and donate it with grace and kindness? Sometimes I think people are just wanting me to "conform" and be like everyone else. Another thing one individual always asks is "when's the last time you cut your hair?" I've decided that I'd really like to meet others who like me express who they are and do not feel they have to conform to the standards of society. What kind of responses can I give that are bold yet not bitter? How can I respond when peopel bring up the subject of my hair? So many times I just want to change the subject but that can'ty be my way out every time. How can I be more comfortable about talking about my hair and how can I get more peopel to start thinking before they speak? Sometimes I think instead of me being on defense all the time i should actually take the offensive stance and boldy speak out to them! Any advice and response would be greatly appreciated.
Re: comments from others
Posted by Me on November 16, 2003 at 06:35:08: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
People who make other people's hair length their business are not acting out of grace and kindness so why should you? You don't have to dignify their remarks by replying to their comments, or you can find a way to say "none of your bloody business" or "what a rude remark that was" which is in tune with your personality if you feel the need to be contentious about it. I wouldn't light off on my boss, but in a workplace environment the word "harassment" makes people sit up and take notice.
Re: comments from others
Posted by Silverback on November 16, 2003 at 06:41:38: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
What kind of responses can I give that are bold yet not bitter?
"when's the last time you cut your hair?"
My response:
"The last time you voted Democrat."
Re: See Charles Dickens post below. (nt)
Posted by Aries on November 16, 2003 at 06:55:49: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
: Hi all. As people with long hair we are constantly having to deal with friends and family members making comments and jokes, some of them of which can be very rude. My question is how can I communicate to these people who suggest I get a haircut or shave my head and donate it with grace and kindness? Sometimes I think people are just wanting me to "conform" and be like everyone else. Another thing one individual always asks is "when's the last time you cut your hair?" I've decided that I'd really like to meet others who like me express who they are and do not feel they have to conform to the standards of society. What kind of responses can I give that are bold yet not bitter? How can I respond when peopel bring up the subject of my hair? So many times I just want to change the subject but that can'ty be my way out every time. How can I be more comfortable about talking about my hair and how can I get more peopel to start thinking before they speak? Sometimes I think instead of me being on defense all the time i should actually take the offensive stance and boldy speak out to them! Any advice and response would be greatly appreciated.
Confidence
Posted by Robert on November 16, 2003 at 07:10:44: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
Confidence is the best response. A lot of people ask because they are curious in addition to those who simply want you to conform. You can respond to both as if they are people who don't know what you know, and then give them answers as if you are helping them understand.
I am a teacher, so often, questions I get are from kids (teenagers) who are curious. When's the last time you got a hair cut? Why don't you donate your hair to a charity? My social studies teach shaved his head last year if we all made an A on our exam--will you?
I always smile when answering. I last cut my hair in Oct. of 2000. I make charitable donations of various kinds. I am not offering a body part as a charitable donation. (That usually gets a reaction--body part?) Yes. My hair is part of my body, and I will not cut it off for charity.
As for your social studies teacher, I am sorry that he has to bribe you into getting a grade for yourself that is good for you to get all by itself. I would not cut off a body part just to entice you to do something that you already know is good for yourself.
All of this, if delivered with confidence, sends the questioner back with either some information, or with the clear signal that I am not to be tampered with regarding my hair. My tone and attitude and facial expression are always friendly. No need to make an enemy unless the other wants to persist. So far in three years, no one does, in cluding family.
Robert
: Hi all. As people with long hair we are constantly having to deal with friends and family members making comments and jokes, some of them of which can be very rude. My question is how can I communicate to these people who suggest I get a haircut or shave my head and donate it with grace and kindness? Sometimes I think people are just wanting me to "conform" and be like everyone else. Another thing one individual always asks is "when's the last time you cut your hair?" I've decided that I'd really like to meet others who like me express who they are and do not feel they have to conform to the standards of society. What kind of responses can I give that are bold yet not bitter? How can I respond when peopel bring up the subject of my hair? So many times I just want to change the subject but that can'ty be my way out every time. How can I be more comfortable about talking about my hair and how can I get more peopel to start thinking before they speak? Sometimes I think instead of me being on defense all the time i should actually take the offensive stance and boldy speak out to them! Any advice and response would be greatly appreciated.
Re: comments from others
Posted by Sorted on November 16, 2003 at 09:47:12: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
I dont think people generally mean to be cruel when they make comments about long hair, they do it because they think its a "fair target" and that most people wont be upset about it.
I dunno I guess a bit like ribbing someone for wearing odd socks or something.
The best way to deal with it is to show them that you're probably not all that different to them (except maybe a little more open minded).
Personally I enjoy it the way my hair can become a talking point. The best way I find to deal with it is that I just explain what I'm doing and why.
If they are just out to slag you off then you'll bore them into not trying that one again, and if they are curious then they'll leave satisfied.
Re: A Comment
Posted by Justin on November 16, 2003 at 10:45:22: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
: friends and family members making comments and jokes, some of them of which can be very rude. My question is how can I communicate to these people who suggest I get a haircut or shave my head and donate it with grace and kindness?
People that suggest that you shave your head and "donate it with grace and kindness" are (in my opinion) NOT YOUR FRIENDS. Someone who will ridicule you is NOT YOUR FRIEND. To "down-you" is NOT BEING A TRUE FRIEND. Just try and rise above this moron mentality, be your own self and ENJOY your hair anyway YOU desire to wear it despite all you are hearing. Alas, you cannot communicate with a fool, and to argue with a Fool makes two fools! (I will have to say however that these people are certainly lucky if their ONLY worry in life is about when you are going to get a haircut!)
Re: comments from others
Posted by Pat on November 16, 2003 at 10:45:24: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
You might consider responding, "yes, donating to a charity is a great idea. I do like the current length, so I think I will grow it twice as long then cut it back to this length to make the donation." As for the other questions, I would just answer them. You are only on the defensive in your own mind. You owe these people no explanation, and this answer is coming from a shorthair. : )
Re: comments from others
Posted by wolfgang on November 16, 2003 at 10:45:35: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
Sometimes I am very offensive with long hair admiration, regarding people with beautiful long hair, and that I like long hair, and that long hair liking is a kind of feelings that wants to express itself, and I reproduce a lot which I heard on long hair sites, about hair care, hair cut pressure and how people feel about long hair.
And this even with people who told me I should cut it all off.
Today even former long hair haters love the musical HAIR, I wonder if they know about their own contradictions.
wolfgang
Re: comments from others
Posted by Bill on November 16, 2003 at 11:12:22: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
: Another thing one individual always asks is "when's the last time you cut your hair?"
A good response to that is, "I've been growing it out since ___ !"
That not only fails to use the negative c-word but it also uses the positive g-word. It speaks to where YOU are headed!
Also, if you've given them a date rather than "how long a time", then if they ask you again they will sound stupid, since you've told them already.
Re: comments from others
Posted by Jenn on November 16, 2003 at 13:48:28: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
If it helps, men are not the only ones who get comments for having long hair. On line in the dining hall one day, a woman whose hair just barely hit her shoulders started making remarks to her co-worker about my hair that reaches past the middle of my back. She started saying things like "Wow, your hair is so LONG!" (well, duh) and "You should donate it to charity." As much as I wanted to reach across the counter and slap her, I just smiled politely and walked away. She said those things simply to get a reaction out of me, and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she annoyed me. I think that's the reason most people make rude comments like that in the first place. Either that, or they're jealous ^_^
~Jenn
Re: comments from others
Posted by baldie the eagle on November 17, 2003 at 01:20:02: Previous Next
In Reply to: Re: comments from others posted by Jenn on November 16, 2003 at 13:48:28:
saying things like "Wow, your hair is so LONG!" (well, duh) and "You should donate it to charity."
I would have said 'Charity begins at home, so I'm perfectly happy to donate it to myself.'
But you're right, people like that aren't really worth the effort of a reply.
Re: comments from others
Posted by Nick on November 17, 2003 at 02:08:02: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
: My question is how can I communicate to these people who suggest I get a haircut or shave my head and donate it with grace and kindness?
Check out Hair Religion's site. He has some excellent suggestions.
Anyone know his URL?
hair religion link
Posted by ThatBallGuy on November 18, 2003 at 22:24:30: Previous Next
In Reply to: Re: comments from others posted by Nick on November 17, 2003 at 02:08:02:
: Anyone know his URL?
http://www.hairreligion.com/
Re: comments from others
Posted by MG on November 17, 2003 at 03:15:19: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
Simple. Just totally ignore them. It'll drive them crazy and shut
them up.
If you feel you must respond just a simple "my hair is none of your
business" should do.
Re: comments from others
Posted by gah2dantz on November 17, 2003 at 17:31:16: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
: Hi all. As people with long hair we are constantly having to deal with friends and family members making comments and jokes, some of them of which can be very rude. My question is how can I communicate to these people who suggest I get a haircut or shave my head and donate it with grace and kindness? Sometimes I think people are just wanting me to "conform" and be like everyone else. Another thing one individual always asks is "when's the last time you cut your hair?" I've decided that I'd really like to meet others who like me express who they are and do not feel they have to conform to the standards of society. What kind of responses can I give that are bold yet not bitter? How can I respond when peopel bring up the subject of my hair? So many times I just want to change the subject but that can'ty be my way out every time. How can I be more comfortable about talking about my hair and how can I get more peopel to start thinking before they speak? Sometimes I think instead of me being on defense all the time i should actually take the offensive stance and boldy speak out to them! Any advice and response would be greatly appreciated.
I say:
"Most intelligent people will say that people should be allowed to live their lives as free citizens, able to make their own choices as long as it does not interfere in the lives of others. Don't you agree?"
Keeping it friendly
Posted by Elizabeth Regina on November 18, 2003 at 20:20:06: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
Hello Will,
Even with some really oddball haircuts I have never gotten rude comments. Part of this is due to the kind of people I am around and when I think about it, I must concede it is my positive outlook that also creates the impression that all the remarks have been good, motivated by wonder rather than malice. I do get "your hair is long" and because that is a positive thing for me, I take the remark as such and nobody has bothered to correct me if needed when my gleeful "Thanks!" and huge grin are the reaction I give to them.
On occasion I have been told by children that my hair was too long. The easy way around that one is asking in a friendly way, "Too long for what?" I am still awaiting a convincing answer to that one. I'll even add "I like it this way and even if it grows longer." These conversations are never unpleasant for me because I do enjoy these opportunities to challenge their assumptions.
Another fascinating exchange was the ten year old I conversed with who asked me "Why don't you cut your hair?" As always, I assume nothing about intent and respond to their inquiry. After the requisite message of "I like it long" I asked him why he didn't grow his. This was certainly not flippantly spoken, just as conversational as his question. To my surprise he said he would like to let it get longer, he hates haircuts but his dad always makes him get them.
The few adults that have asked if I would donate my hair are easily addressed with the simple statement "But then I'd have to grow it back." This can be spoken with a stating the obvious sort of voice, one of surprise or even sadness. All of these are non-threatening ways to get the person tuned into the fact that hair has value where it already is. People just don't think before they ask about a hair donation.
I have never met anybody that pressed further but given that chance I would delightedly let them know hair donated is more likely to be sold to a wig making company for operating cash than to end up on a child's head. Especially long ponytails can be auctioned off and end up who knows where. "You want my hair to end up in the hands of a pervert?" should send an offensive person hounding you to donate fleeing from you pretty quick.
As a standard reply I would say "I like my hair" works well and is all you need for most cases. Confidence is enough to stop further remarks when people are just making conversation. Outright intended to be wounding verbal attacks take more than that though and are best to get away from any way you can, even by agreeing if necessary. "Yes, you are right it looks terrible and I probably should cut off this mess." Once away it does not matter how your hair looks to another person or what they think you should do about it. :-)
As for the how long question, perhaps smiling and "I have gotten a good ___ weeks (months, years) growth since the last cut. Thanks for noticing how well I am doing!" People like to complain and it is not as easy if you are not helping them. This works for everything else in the world too. At the post office a man spoke to me as he arrived at the end of a long line. His first comment was, "This line will take forever!" I turned and genially replied that I had been watching and the line was moving quickly even thought it was long. That stopped him and headed off a possibly lengthy complaint session about the post office because I was not going to agree with him. You can not get people to think before they speak but you do control your response to them and how they affect you.
Elizabeth
Re: comments from others
Posted by T a r i k h on November 19, 2003 at 05:19:50: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
This is a problem we all get. Just read my posts.
With long hair, you begin to realise who are your real friends, who understands you and takes you for what you are and who doesn`t.
Cheers
Re: comments from others
Posted by LinuxLonghair on November 19, 2003 at 11:46:50: Previous Next
In Reply to: comments from others posted by will on November 16, 2003 at 00:55:21:
I have had a long struggle especially with my parents on the subject of my appearance - long hair, beard, the way I dress and so on. The question most often brought up was "Why can't you be like #include Later I found Bill's essay "On Being a Longhair" on his website http://www.choisser.com, printed out the chapter on "Born Longhairs" and gave it to my parents to read. I have never had any trouble with them since - they realized eventually that I was not going to change as they wanted and it was a nonsense to poison our relationship because of this. Regarding comments from strangers I usually ignore them. It happens sometimes in shopping malls or on the street that especially elders, but "hip-hop" dressed teenagers as well, make hostile comments on my hair. A few months ago I stopped at a gas station on I-90 near Rochester, NY. When I went inside to pay there were two guys stannding in the line right behind me who were making rude comments on my hair and on my wearing shorts in April (the temperature was just a few degrees above freezing). I turned and saw that both were dressed in some old, ripped, tattered and unwashed shirts. I replied by telling them that they should call the exterminator more often to deal with the rodents in their homes and a contractor to fix the plumbing - loud enough for everybody around to hear. That shut them off. In 1998 my car broke down near the Brenner Pass (on the border between Italy and Austria) and I had to stay overnight in Vipiteno - a small Italian town a few miles south from the Brenner Pass; it is also known as Sterzing - until the car was fixed at a local workshop. That afternoon I went out to buy something for dinner - and got quite a lot of comments, some referring to "Otzi" (nickname given to a bronze-age man who lived several thousands years ago and whose perfectly conserved body was found in a glacier not far from Vipiteno). One individual followed me into a shop and kept on making comments on me with references to Otzi, until I began cursing him in my native language (Romanian) and followed him out on the street.